The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

E7     020100
Fdim7  12010X  
Bm/F#  225432
G      320003
E7/G#  420100
A      X02220   
[Intro]
E7 Fdim7  Bm/F#  G E7/G# A   Adim7  E7  A

[Verse 1]
    A               C#7             D/F#
For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
       Bm7                A                  B7   E
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all
A                 E7           C#m7             F#m
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe
      E                        B7           E7 B7 E
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall
        A7                               G   D
So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
         B7                               E7
And he's planted it against the garden wall

[Bridge]
A          Adim7  A                 A      Adim7        A
It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly touched the  sky
        A                   B7     E7
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
Bm          Bdim7   Bm            Bm     Bdim7    Bm  
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#   G E7/G# A
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the   world
      C#m           G#7              C#m    
When father's had a skin full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
   C#m            G#7              B7           E  
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
           A        Aaug   F#7               Bm            E7
No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes
       E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G# A
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the   world

[Verse 2]
   A              C#7             D/F#         A
We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
        Bm7           A                     B7   E
So they put the water rates up half a crown
    A                  E7           C#m7              F#m
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes
         E              B7               E    B7 E7
And they came up half a mile outside the town
        A7                               G   D
Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot house
       B7                             E7   B7 E
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down

[Bridge 2]

    A        Adim7   A               A           Adim7    A
The tom cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out
        A                 B7     E7
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
     Bm    Bdim7 Bm             Bm     Bdim7  Bm 
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
       E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G# A
Up the biggest aspi - distra in the   world
   C#m              G#7                C#m   B7       E  
The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
     C#m              G#7   F#7         B7                   E7
They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee
        A            Aaug   F#7    Bm            E7
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G# A
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the   world

[Bridge 3]
      A      Adim     A             A          Adim    A
It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey
        A                 B7     E7
Its the oldest aspidistra in the world
      Bm    Bdim7   Bm             Bm      Bdim7 Bm 
So we water it with half a pint of Guiness every day
        E7       Fdim7   Bm/F# G  E7/G# A
Its the stoutest aspid - istra in the   world
   C#m              G#7                C#m    B7      E  
The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down
    C#m            G#7                F#7         B7
It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town
E     A            Aaug F#7        Bm           E7
So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a crown
         E7      Fdim7  Bm/F#  G  E7/G# A       A   Adim7  E7  A
It's the biggest aspi - distra in the   world

[Outro]
N.C.
The biggest, biggest, biggest aspidistra in the world